The Day I Chose Peace Over Chaos

Sunday started quietly. I woke up early, took care of the dog, and finished up the Twelve Steps collection. The person I was sharing space with was still asleep upstairs. I felt calm. Hopeful, even. I had been looking forward to a peaceful visit—a break from the pressure, a chance to just exist and maybe even enjoy it.

But when they came downstairs, something shifted.

They started picking apart my words. Interrupting me, arguing with things I hadn’t even said yet. Demanding explanations, twisting everything into conflict. I couldn’t get more than two words out without being cut off and told they already knew what I was going to say—then arguing with their own assumptions of what that was.

It felt like having my mind cracked open and poured out on the floor.

So I went upstairs. I laid down. I cried.

Not from anger—just heartbreak. I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t want them to leave. I just didn’t understand how we got here. I had pictured a weekend of quiet connection, not emotional warfare.

Still, I wanted a nice visit, a loving visit. I tried to restart the day.

I came back down and offered something simple:

“Let’s take the dog to the park.”

I thought maybe fresh air and puppy joy would break the pattern. So we went, all three of us and enjoyed watching Nicky play with her new friend.

It helped—for a moment. But the arguing returned the second we got home. So I went back upstairs and tried to distract myself, wondering why I felt like I had to hide in my own home.

Later, I came down to take my medication. No one said anything. I went back upstairs. Then I heard my name.

I called down, “Is everything okay?”

They were on the phone. Talking about me. When I asked who it was, they ran into the bathroom like a teenager caught doing something wrong.

When they came out, I asked again.

“Who was on the phone?”

“Well I was feeling…”.

”Who was on the phone?”

And then… They called 911. Not because there was an emergancy. Not because they were afraid about what medicaiton i took, (they didn’t even ask..). Because they didn’t like my tone. Because they didn’t like my attitude. This was about punishment. This was about control.

They told the dispatcher I might be using drugs. I may have been drinking. I might be a danger to myself. I want to stress: None of it was true—but the damage was already done. My blood pressure spiked. I think I went into a mild shock.

But I’m proud of how I handled it.

I didn’t scream. I didn’t collapse. I said calmly, “I’d like you to pack your things and return home,” and then I went upstairs, sat down, and waited.

The crisis team showed up—paramedics, fire. I offered them coffee, candy and bottled water.

They evaluated me, kindly and thoroughly. They asked why she may have called, and being 12:45 I let them know (along with the rest of the story) that I take my medication at 12pm each day. They said this kind of thing happens more often than people think—when a person feels out of control in their own life, they sometimes try to control others. And when that fails, they spiral.

They saw I was okay. That I was stable. That I had support. We even shared a moment of dark humor about families over the fruity tootsie rolls I keep out for guests…(well, sometimes maybe for guests ;) )

After they left, I called my sponsor.

She told me she was proud of me—not just for staying sober after offensively being accused of using in the worst way.. but for how I responded instead of reacting. I didn’t blow up. I didn’t send angry messages. I didn’t try to win the moment. I paused.

Then the police arrived. Same story, same result. Except this time, we mostly played with Nicky and talked about the dog. They said to call in case this person decided to show back up unannounced, not to let them in, and to let them handle this as it was clear they were in a manic spiral, and not in their right state of mind.

After that, I called someone I trust deeply. We had a calm, validating conversation. I still felt hurt, but I wasn’t lost in it anymore. I felt like I could see a path forward.

Here’s what that path looks like:

I’m going to take time to reflect. I didnt start this - but i have to respond, and i am going to take all the time I need. It could be a few days, a week, a year. They will have to wait until i am ready.

I’m going to write down exactly what I need in order to maintain healthy relationships—especially with people who’ve repeatedly crossed boundaries or brought chaos into my life.

One of those boundaries will be this:

If this particular individual wants a meaningful relationship with me moving forward, they will need to get involved in some kind of recovery work—Al-Anon, CoDA, whatever they want. Not because I want to control them.

But because this is what I need in order to feel safe.

12 Step Programs teach you about your OWN behavior. How you affect others. And for someone who has put me in harms way due to their own control and manipulative issues… this is not going to be negotiable. And if they choose not to—that’s okay… its their prerogative… but it will change our dynamic.

They cannot maintain a relationship with me other than texting or emailing.

I cannot be physically in the presence of someone who is eager to make me feel unsafe, in my own home.

I cannot verbally speak to someone who creates their own realities.

So I hope for positive changes, but these decisions are not mine. So I will pray on them. I will pray for positivity, peace, and unity.

This doesn’t come from bitterness.

It comes from healing.

From knowing I don’t need to justify my peace to anyone.

So before bed, I took a spiritual shower and envisioned all the negativity washing off of me. I got cozy in my clean pajamas. I threw the cake i didnt ask for and the Chai Latte I definitely did not want in the garbage. I grabbed one of my favorite spiritual books, and cozied up in my comfy bed. I decided, I could enjoy the warm Passover Holiday Memory. I could focus my attention on that, not the fighting, not dealing with first responders, and worst of all… missing our puppy easter egg hunt.

I’m incredibly grateful to my Higher Power, to my program, and to the people who’ve helped me grow into someone who can choose clarity over chaos.

This isn’t about cutting people off. It’s about learning to stand firmly in the life I’ve built, and not letting anyone tear it down—no matter who they are.

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.” - The Big Book of AA, page 417.

With Love,

Dana & Nicky