This Hurt, But I Honored Myself

There’s a kind of pain that comes not from betrayal or cruelty—but from being misunderstood at the exact moment you were trying to be your most honest.

That’s what happened.

I met someone kind, thoughtful, sincere. Someone who showed up with warmth and good intentions. And for a moment, it felt like maybe this could be something—maybe this was the beginning of something good.

But the beginning is exactly that: a beginning. Not a conclusion, not a commitment, not a map of the future.

We discussed the pace, we came up with fun things to do. Created a little app on the phone to keep track of new restaurants or fun events to attend. I was really excited to experience these things and get to know him.

But he was ready for more, much more… way more than i was ready for.

And when I asked for time—not time to decide whether I wanted love, but time to see if it could grow between us—he heard that as hesitation. As rejection. As a no.

But it wasn’t a no.

It was the most truthful thing I could say:

“I want to get to know you. I want to feel safe and grounded first. I want a foundation that isn’t built on pressure or assumption. I want something real, and that takes time.”

That truth cost me the relationship.

But I kept something more important: myself.

Because I’ve spent years learning how to listen to my gut. Years learning to trust that my pace is valid, that my boundaries aren’t barriers—they’re invitations to build something genuine.

I could have forced it. He was everything I was looking for. I could have smiled and said all the right things. I could have rushed into something shiny and new just to not lose it. Just to make him comfortable while sacrificing myself.

But for the very first time… I didn’t.

And it hurts. Because I did like him. Because I did want it to work. Because I do still believe that love worth having is love that grows with you—not love that demands certainty before the roots have even touched the soil.

However - I was just in a relationship that made me uncomfortable. I had met someone who said “I don’t care about status” & proceeded to tell me the dream of my van was not acceptable.. what would people think? He then said he didnt care about material things. He just wanted someone who would be comfortable in his tiny little inlaw apartment and.. i was. i was so happy and safe. My ex, who didnt care about materialism and told me all this, demanded i give up my financial savings, sign the deed of my house over and immediately after demanded i get an apartment. An apartment? You just took all my money! So i had to go into my long term medical savings and move into a dark, damp, basement. He was so happy… he picked out my furniture and all. The man who didnt care about status or materialism ruined the happy dreams i had for myself. And to make him happy, i sacrificed all of that and moved into a dark basement. I learned later, that he was cheating on me with his exwife and had to kick me out in order to continue his double life.

I swore i knew him. I had just met him but it was like we knew eachother forever. I loved him so much, i would have done anything for him… evidently - i did. He created a swarm of anxiety.. I was taking anxiety medication (pretty much one of the only times in my life). Told me suddenly I was the reason for everything wrong, everytime I went to speak his face tensed up, he would tell me ‘not to talk’... and he tossed me out like yesterdays garbage. And I lost everything. Im completely dependent on my dad now, who pays for my apartment now. Because I took a blind leap at love and i was severely taken advantage of.

So yes, I’m hurting.

But I am proud of myself.

I didn’t shrink. I didn’t shape-shift. I stayed true to the kind of love I know I want—the kind that starts small, steady, and real.

And maybe next time, the right person won’t ask me to speed up.

They’ll just offer me their hand—and walk beside me.

With Love,

Dana & Nicky